so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
