I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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