I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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