Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
