Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
