I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
