i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
