I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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