you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
