I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
