I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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