The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick âmy pegasusâ weâre not friends anymore
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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