Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
