But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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