I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
