There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
