He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
