we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
