Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
