On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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