yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
