I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
