my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
