Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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