I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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