did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
