i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
