I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm at about main and main street
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
