I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
