i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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