he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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