Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
