She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
