I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
