Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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