my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Buhtt sex?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
