It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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