Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
