i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
