is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize