My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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