Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
