she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
