I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
