A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize