It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
