Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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