did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
