i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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