guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
