he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
