It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
