Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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