i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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