he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
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