there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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