When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
