I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
smell my finger.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
