I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
