Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
