there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
