Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
