There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
