So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
